Monday, August 10, 2009

One Journey ends Another arises

Oh what the hell...

When I was a little kid, I always dreaming about what it's like to be an adult. I bet myself it would be wonderful. You are free to do anything you want, you know because you are a grown up.

Then, when I went to high school I always drooling over college life. They ride their own cars, have credit cards and go to prestigious night clubs. But I, was then fetch and drop by my Dad or tailing along my friend's car to go back home. And don't even dare to dream about credit cards! When I could begging enough, they agree to give me ATM card with a minimal limit. Night clubs? Oh please, you have to be at least 20 years old to be allowed entering the place.

And then, here I am standing with my chin up, so proud that I am an adult now and yet a college student. But I can't put my chin up too long, because college life just as suck as it is. Erm, no I still haven't got my credit cards yet (I'm not planning to have one, since I can't trust myself to have it) and well yeah I went to night clubs but not that often as other guys. And I can't bloody drive a car. Damn it. And, I don't understand why but I thought that college people should be mature and have well self control, but what the hell they still as childish as I lick my lollipop when I was 5! I mean, they are needy, greedy, crazy and... unreasonable. I know that well, because I've been in both side. I mean, I had the experience both being the victim and the trouble maker ;)

So just so you know, human live to go on a journey God has planned well for us and we just go with it. Don't say your stage of life just end here, another will popped up like bloody online messenger. Just be prepared people. For myself, I still have work life, married life, and parenthood and granny hood to pass through.

Wish me luck!

-----------------------------------------------------------I had nothing to do beside blabbing on my 3 hours break--------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, February 1, 2009

What is a "Relationship"? That's the question.

I've never been so humiliated by my own feelings. I've never felt this pain by hurting someone. I've been so selfish, that I let him suffer when I feel merry. Then, I'm guilty.

She has this long--uncomfortable conversation with her lover. When he asked for a affection, she shook her head and turned around, said that she was busy with her life. she doesn't care what he really wants from her. she pretends that she is blind and deaf and she's trying to be a mute too, so she doesn't need to bother about her lover's bleeding heart.
At last, he told her to sit beside him. He needed to talk, seriously.
"I don't think it works well. No, I don't think this even works--at all. We need to talk." he said with deep voice. His eyes were red as he about to cry from his anger.
The girl looked at his face with worry. She knows what he was about to say. She knows everything could be the end--sadly. But then, she sat there, next to him. "What is it?"

The boy shook his head again, as he doesn't believe that he is going to say these words to her. To the one he loves very very much.
"For all this time, I've been trying to make things work, between us. It's broken inside. Don't you feel it? But... You didn't help. You made things worse. You make me feel like I'm nothing for you. You are so selfish to think about me when I always think about us, about you. All the time." His voice was trembling as he knows it would hurt the girl.

The girl's head bent down, and she stared into the pillow on her hand. He's right. She has been so self-centered. She never cares about him. Why? She doesn't know either. She couldn't react on his expression.
"Why do you think that? I feel it's been great lately. You know, like what we want. It's a fun relationship. What do you expect?" she asked him defensively. Her ego was so high that she won't easily got blamed. Even though she knows she was wrong.

"Like WE want? No, no. it's what YOU want. I understand, totally that you are asking for a fun relationship. But this wasn't fun for us, I mean for me. It's only fun for you and it was not fair. I want you to be happy, for sure but... Don't I deserve to be happy too? And you don't know how I feel miserable inside, lately. It wasn't great for me, really." his face looks so sad and in a great pain. She won't believe that she hurts him that bad.

She took a deep breath, start to respond. But she was speechless, she lost her confidence to talk back at him. She bent her face again and play with the laces of her pillow. She bet he would think at her as a villain who surrendered. He inhales desperately, "I won't say anything anymore. I know you don't feel comfortable for me doing this. You just should know what has happened during this one month. You should realize what have you done to us. The thing is, if you still like this. Do as you please, darling. But, I'll back off. I won't be a burden for you anymore. If you want to fix it, please... show me that you care. Make me believe that I am not just anybody for you, that I am special. That's why you want to start this relationship in the first place."

She didn't believe what she has heard from her lover's mouth. I'll back off... What, he wants to break up? Her minds are spinning around so fast. In one hand, she wants to make an end of it but in the other hand, she was shocked that he would leave her so easily like that! Her heart won't accept it. The fact that he could let her go that fast. It's only been a month. What kind of perfect couple who can going through the whole time amazingly? She shut her mouth so tightly that she won't let her anger spitted out. Her eyes were red, and the tears could shed by anytime now.

He held her hands tenderly, "I hope it's not what you wish, right?" he tried to calm her feelings. "Do you want to make things work? Or.. maybe it's all what you want--which I can't accept it. I'm sorry. I could be patience, but it has a limit. I'm not God dear. Again, do you want to help me fix this?"

She nodded her head, even though she hasn't even thought of what she's doing. She feels, that maybe this is not the time for a closure. It has to work somehow. She still has feelings for him. She wants him to be with her as he wants the same thing from her. She made a pact to herself that she has to change until this feeling left empty.

He smiled, but his eyes still wander. Does she really wanted a change or she just doesn't want to be alone and single? I love her, and I believe in her... he said to himself. 
"OK. Then, from now on. We work on our relationship--together, yes? I love so much, you should know that." He hugged her and sighed in a huge relief. Thinking that maybe today he would lose the one he loves.
"Yes.. I want to rebuild our relationship. I know I was wrong, I'm sorry. I didn't mean--to hurt." said the girl.

From all the complex conversation they had. There's one question she still couldn't answer.
"What do you think a relationship is?"

What do you think?

P.S : I love you. And truly, I didn't mean to hurt. I just.. wasn't care before.