What is a "Relationship"? That's the question.

I've never been so humiliated by my own feelings. I've never felt this pain by hurting someone. I've been so selfish, that I let him suffer when I feel merry. Then, I'm guilty.

She has this long--uncomfortable conversation with her lover. When he asked for a affection, she shook her head and turned around, said that she was busy with her life. she doesn't care what he really wants from her. she pretends that she is blind and deaf and she's trying to be a mute too, so she doesn't need to bother about her lover's bleeding heart.

At last, he told her to sit beside him. He needed to talk, seriously.

"I don't think it works well. No, I don't think this even works--at all. We need to talk." he said with deep voice. His eyes were red as he about to cry from his anger.

The girl looked at his face with worry. She knows what he was about to say. She knows everything could be the end--sadly. But then, she sat there, next to him. "What is it?"

The boy shook his head again, as he doesn't believe that he is going to say these words to her. To the one he loves very very much.

"For all this time, I've been trying to make things work, between us. It's broken inside. Don't you feel it? But... You didn't help. You made things worse. You make me feel like I'm nothing for you. You are so selfish to think about me when I always think about us, about you. All the time." His voice was trembling as he knows it would hurt the girl.

The girl's head bent down, and she stared into the pillow on her hand. He's right. She has been so self-centered. She never cares about him. Why? She doesn't know either. She couldn't react on his expression.

"Why do you think that? I feel it's been great lately. You know, like what we want. It's a fun relationship. What do you expect?" she asked him defensively. Her ego was so high that she won't easily got blamed. Even though she knows she was wrong.

"Like WE want? No, no. it's what YOU want. I understand, totally that you are asking for a fun relationship. But this wasn't fun for us, I mean for me. It's only fun for you and it was not fair. I want you to be happy, for sure but... Don't I deserve to be happy too? And you don't know how I feel miserable inside, lately. It wasn't great for me, really." his face looks so sad and in a great pain. She won't believe that she hurts him that bad.

She took a deep breath, start to respond. But she was speechless, she lost her confidence to talk back at him. She bent her face again and play with the laces of her pillow. She bet he would think at her as a villain who surrendered. He inhales desperately, "I won't say anything anymore. I know you don't feel comfortable for me doing this. You just should know what has happened during this one month. You should realize what have you done to us. The thing is, if you still like this. Do as you please, darling. But, I'll back off. I won't be a burden for you anymore. If you want to fix it, please... show me that you care. Make me believe that I am not just anybody for you, that I am special. That's why you want to start this relationship in the first place."

She didn't believe what she has heard from her lover's mouth. I'll back off... What, he wants to break up? Her minds are spinning around so fast. In one hand, she wants to make an end of it but in the other hand, she was shocked that he would leave her so easily like that! Her heart won't accept it. The fact that he could let her go that fast. It's only been a month. What kind of perfect couple who can going through the whole time amazingly? She shut her mouth so tightly that she won't let her anger spitted out. Her eyes were red, and the tears could shed by anytime now.

He held her hands tenderly, "I hope it's not what you wish, right?" he tried to calm her feelings. "Do you want to make things work? Or.. maybe it's all what you want--which I can't accept it. I'm sorry. I could be patience, but it has a limit. I'm not God dear. Again, do you want to help me fix this?"

She nodded her head, even though she hasn't even thought of what she's doing. She feels, that maybe this is not the time for a closure. It has to work somehow. She still has feelings for him. She wants him to be with her as he wants the same thing from her. She made a pact to herself that she has to change until this feeling left empty.

He smiled, but his eyes still wander. Does she really wanted a change or she just doesn't want to be alone and single? I love her, and I believe in her... he said to himself. 

"OK. Then, from now on. We work on our relationship--together, yes? I love so much, you should know that." He hugged her and sighed in a huge relief. Thinking that maybe today he would lose the one he loves.

"Yes.. I want to rebuild our relationship. I know I was wrong, I'm sorry. I didn't mean--to hurt." said the girl.

From all the complex conversation they had. There's one question she still couldn't answer.

"What do you think a relationship is?"

What do you think?

P.S : I love you. And truly, I didn't mean to hurt. I just.. wasn't care before. 

Imsoniac, Sore Throat... sucks.

I think I gotta see someone. Seriously.

Like today, I only had my sleep for about 2 hours. That wasn't a good, nice rest, though. I keep having this images spinning around in my mind, prevent me to sleep. I tend to think a lot, even though I resist myself to not do so, but still my brain forced myself to think. My memory is killing me. Because all the memories I have now are spinning around like a screen saver on my brain--which I didn't set of.

Now, I'm not feeling well--at all. I feel sick. I have a running nose, awful coughs, headache and my eyes are burning.

I remember the time I wished I was sick, because if so I don't need to come to work. lol.
But now, I realize that health is what I really want to have at the moment.

Yesterday, I went out with my friends and my roommate. We had dinner at the Japanese restaurant in the hotel. After we fulfilled our craving, we went to the Bar to get my stuff back (I put a plastic bag there before). Then the staffs there insisted us to hang around, since it was raining heavily outside.

We had fun, we took pictures, and the bartender made us a nice mocktail (I know how to make it!). But one thing was intolerably annoying. There was this guy, who is known as GM's close friend. He acts like a total jerk who always sticks on everybody's business. He approached our table and asked me sarcastically, "Have you finished your training here?" and he gave this nastiest look at us.
"Nah, we haven't." I answered shortly.
He kept standing there like he was interogating us, "Oh? Then where are you working now? You are not working today?"
What was he trying to do, actually?
"I'll work at the Chinese restaurant tomorrow. I Don't go to work today, since today is Sunday--my day off"

Then he turned his head to one of my friend who also a trainee there. "How about you?"
She answered, "I am still working."

With the victory in his hand, he went away from us--with a smirk on that face. Yuck.

He sat in the bar and kept talking bad about us to the management and to the staff. And I could guess what he was talkling about. I bet he complained about how come trainees like us could hang out here. We were not supposed to stay like this. But, BIG DEAL. We brought guests with us, though.

Even the management themselves didn't say a word about us hanging around there. Why should he be bothered? It was not like we were there in a busy time. The place was quite empty. Duh!

He totally ruined our joyful evening, and we hate him.

Always Be My Baby

ALWAYS BE MY BABY (Mariah Carey, not David Cook)

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine

Now you want to be free

So I'm letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no...
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave boy
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably you'll be back again
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no...

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darlin' cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back boy
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder
I know that, you'll be right back, babe
Ooooh! baby believe me it's only a matter of time
Of time!

You'll always be apart of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darlin' cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darlin' cause you'll always be my baby

You'll always be apart of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darlin' cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darlin' cause you'll always be my baby

You and I will always be
No way your never gonna shake me
No way your never gonna shake me
You and I will always be

I am a potential breaker..

What do you think?

I break most of the things than everybody does in their life. I guess my sloppiness is one of my weaknesses. I break, plates, glasses, cups and other things at work. I even break people's hearts, including my parents' hearts.
I bang onto things like at all times. I'm a dropper as well. I don't know, maybe there's something wrong with my balance system or else that i don't even know of.

Like today, I broke one of my working rules. It says that if you are not able to come to work, for instance you are not feeling fine to work, you should go to a doctor and ask for a medical certificate, it's compulsory.

But instead of going to work, I stayed at home--cleaning stuffs, and instead of go to see a doctor, I go washing my clothes and ironed them, and instead of getting a MC, I sent a text message to the manager told him that I am sick.

See? If people are telling me that I am retarded. I can't be more agree. I don't have the ability to act and think like a normal person does. I don't have the capability to do anything right!

What's wrong with me???

I am not supposed to be like this. This is not me. I don't even recognize myself anymore.

I really, really should go and see someone, and talk about it. Maybe I need a psychiatrist, you know. Maybe I am sick. Mentally.

Whoa, it scares me... If you could suggest me on what should I do to get rid of my recent-self, please be my guest. Maybe you could tell me, what is wrong...

OhmiGod! I find my true love! (finally???) part.1

Whoaaaa! My first time blogging! I am so darn excited to share what I feel for all this time, and what I hid from everyone (my deepest, darkest secret!), now it's time to open up the old treasure and share the fortunes! Hahahaha...

I'm 19 years old now, but going to leave my 'teen' age soon. It's so depressing, knowing that your life is not getting shorter and yet, you haven't reached any goal! You did not even do the easiest job at your best.

Well, the word 'you' that i have mentioned above actually is referring to MYSELF. hehehehe =P

I have a BIG ambition, but I don't know how to make it come true. It's so HARD my goodness. I mean, it's not a piece of cake to become an ambassador when you are not in the related field right? (I'm talking about the proper education I should get). But that doesn't stop me to reach what I should get. There's no word of QUITTING. I am NOT a quitter. It's just... I need to get a GOOD luck. It's a 'man's world', my father would say. And it's political, you know, you are dealing with the more powerful you are, the easier you get into the matter.

And I have no one knows about POWER. Become a politician, you got to be sly, slippery like an eel yet firm like a rock. You've got to be smart-ass like a snake. Sounds hard eh? Yeah IT DOES. It's a real challenge for me. Because one of my goals in life is... to make a DIFFERENCE in this world. To make a stubborn leader like Uncle Sam let other countries live in peace without invasion due to whatsoever the reason is. WOW. Maybe I'd risk my own life to make that kind of thing happens.

WHAT ON EARTH??!

I just realized my title posted up there. I should be talking about LOVE for the love of GOD.

-_-' I hate talking about it when I'm not in it. But nahhh, it's interesting. You must prepare something when you read it (popcorn--butter/caramel, not chicken 'cos it's fattening or lollipop) otherwise you'll be getting bored.

Ok. The story begins when I made the decision to study abroad. I believe that i will find my oh-so-called prince charming very soon (because I didn't find any decent guy at that moment hahaha..)

My Mom said, "Ohhh come on! You are not young anymore! Please go out some time and sailing!"
I was like, "MOM! You don't think I am OLD, do you?? I'm still 18 years old! And I don't get it by the word 'sailing' you just said."
My Mom was sighing and put a desperate look at her face. She keeps thinking that her daughter is some kind of old-hag or something. I hate it when I see her making that kind of expression.
"Honey, I mean it's HIGH TIME for you to have someone, you know, a boyfriend! And 'sailing' refers to catch a fish, and by 'fish' means..."
OH I don't wanna hear it. "Aaa... I know what fish means, ok? And forget about it. I'm not a sailor... of love or whatsoever. So just accept the fact that I'm still single, ok. Pray hard to let God drop a cute guy and he's crazy enough to marry me."

My Mom thought that I have gone crazy, "Oh I hate this conversation. Especially having it with YOU. Do what you want to do, as long as you don't come sobbing to me and say that you sick of being ALONE. You are the one who abandon yourself from the community."

Yeah, RIGHT. Community. Like I was some kind of anti-social girl or something. I have my own community, and boys are in it! But, they were more like a bunch of soccer boys. I didn't see them as guys that I would date with, but boys that I would hang out and do-stupid-things with. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm still attracted to preppy guys (I don't like CUTE guys, CUTE means sissy to me), the cool guy who is smart and dedicated his life for his job. Should I mention RICH? Oh yeah... but as long as his wealth is gained by his own sweat and blood, not from his family inheritance.

Ok, stop talking crazy about my criteria. I'm so damn sure that you don't want to know that.

Then, after a long discussion with my Dad about where I'm going to for college (I wanted to study in Vancouver, Canada and I was planning to take International Relation course. But a BIG NO was shouted out from my Dad's mouth. So he sent me off to here) then I am here, with a BIG question mark on the top of my head. What the hell am I doing here??? What on earth made my father sent me off here and taking a HOSPITALITY course?????

It doesn't sound like me at ALL. When I think of that faculty, I had this picture where lots of good people wearing sophisticated suits with the girls have their hair tied up or twisted, and the guys are having too much gel on their's. Then those good people like to smile a LOT (all the time!), yuck! It's like so fake! I don't smile when I don't feel like to.
So, in a shell, I don't belong there.

But the fact is that I am here, and I survive. :) All I need is to be patient, and try to get use to it (all the smile thing and dress so freaky formal).

When will I touch anything about 'love' huh? Hahahaha, see? I DO hate to talk about it.

However, when I reached here (got off the plane without any jet lag like most people usually have--'cos it was so damn near, My God.) I imagined that sooner or later I will find my true love. Boys in my country suck, I hope not in here. (No offense boys, you do suck. accept it with a big heart, sure you'll fly to heaven)

And I found him! (at least at that time I 'think' I've found him) He was there, standing, looked so arrogant and bossy, looked like a guy with power. Powerful guy is one of my 'turn-on', hahahahaha!
I didn't talk to him like I wanted to, but the other guy was just swoop in the moment that made me distracted from him. So, that was it. Nothing could possibly happen, and I haven't put my hope into anything. So, I think everything was just fine.

But oh boy... The story still goes on...